It has been so long since I have written a post. Just felt the need to take a break. Felt I was getting stale and wasn’t into writing. Quite frankly, felt I had lost the desire or love or need or whatever it is when you are afraid it’s just not good enough.
I have the problem a lot in my professional and personal life. Call it what you will it can be maddening or exhilarating depending on how you look at it. Even now as I try to write what I feel I am having a hard time putting into words what my feelings are saying. The conversation never seems to stop in my head.
Yes I have tried meditation numerous times and continue to believe it will help quiet the voices. God knows I’ve practiced enough yoga in the 47 years since I first threw down the mat. I want to be patient, kind and positive in my thoughts. But the search for perfection seeps in and I feel somewhat lost. Not in a I want to jump off a bridge lost but in a I feel blue lost. It’s not all the time and comes and goes. I have times of sheer joy in just being healthy and alive but there are those moments or even days where I wish I was clever enough to write the next great American novel.
You would think with all of the electronic help we have now a days I would be able to google an answer in how to reach perfection. In work. In life. In love. But alas it’s just a computer and doesn’t have the capacity to be human. I am the only one to have that capacity and should revel in the fact that I am able to have the luxury. Regardless of how imperfect it can be at times. Being human can be perfect.
“I know no ways to mince it in love, but directly to say, I love you.” William Shakespeare
Time. Time. Time. Results. Closure. Destiny. Fear.
All of these have crossed my mind in the last week of being in Vancouver. Don’t know if it’s for a little time or a lot of time. Nature of the beast. The age clock is ticking and the feeling of doing something that will impact someone else is gnawing at me. I want to begin. My gut tells me it’s time. I have been through so much not only in my life but in the last two years. And I’ve come out better than I ever expected. For the first time in my life I know I will get through whatever it is I need to get through.
I have realized that most of my life has been lived in fear of so many things. Most of all will I have enough money to make it? To be able to take care of my family and to know that my home will not be taken away from me. Not to be too dramatic but when it has happened to you at a very young age you tend never to forget.
But now at 62 I can honestly say that my gut tells me I’m going to be ok. That no matter what is thrown at me I will figure it out. And I meet so many women my age who don’t feel that way. Who don’t feel secure in themselves and who don’t know where to go to find out how to figure it out.
I guess what I am trying to say is I’m ready to share what I know and how I got through probably the hardest two years of my life and actually made it. And successfully. I want to talk to other women about their experiences and maybe help whoever needs help to figure out what they are going to do in their “senior” years. I don’t even care that sounds it means getting older. I’m proud of where I have been and where I am now. I’m proud of looking like I have control of my life even though sometimes I have no idea what I am doing.
I guess what I am saying is I’m ready to help whoever needs the help to move through whatever shit that has been handed to them at a time in our lives when it’s all suppose to be easier. So, anyone interested in what I have to say? My gut tells me there are a lot of us women out there that are wondering what the next step is. I’m here. Ready to help. Send me your thoughts of what your biggest fear is right now. Whether you’re in your 40’s, 50’s or 60’s it doesn’t matter. We are all in this together.
“Faith requires following the power of a whisper”.