Gut

The meaning of the gut when used as a noun is in reference to a feeling or reaction based on an instinctive emotional response rather than considered thought. Having a monkey mind I have many considered thoughts.

The Gut used as a verb is when it causes (someone) to feel extremely upset or disappointed. It guts me to think they were not being truthful.

I wanted to believe that the situation couldn’t or wouldn’t happen but my gut told me otherwise. It also pertains to having a gut feeling about a person. I have a bad habit of thinking that I am overreacting or being too sensitive or just not wanting to believe that my gut is telling me the truth.

My fear many times keeps me from trusting my gut. Because sometimes the truth, not my truth, but the truth is a hard pill to swallow. I don’t want to think the worse but sometimes that’s just the way it is. And I am now trying to really look at THE truth regardless of how hurtful it can be to me.

When I don’t feel good about myself it’s usually because I have to deal with the outcome of not going with my gut. I have to say in all these years my intuition (which I think is a good synonym) has not let me down. I’ve been the one who hasn’t been strong enough to face what the real deal is and not my idea of what I would like it to be.

My career always tests whether or not I am listening to what my inner voice is saying. Making the right decision for what is best for my own welfare and not making the decision for others. I did that a lot when I had to take care of my family even though there were times when I didn’t want to put myself in an awkward position.

Co-dependency challenged my gut many times and I usually listened to the voice that told me to buck up and be a team player even when it wasn’t for my best interest. Don’t get me wrong. There were decisions I made which helped me as well but I paid the price on the back end.

Going into the situation seemed to be “not so bad” (what we tell ourselves when we know our gut is saying NO!) and in the end wasn’t the right direction.

What not going with my gut has taught me is to learn from my mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. I guess what it comes down to is trusting yourself and…age. Yep, never thought I would go there but chalking up years on this earth has helped me to step back, listen and let things sit. Patience. Trust. Stillness. Still a work in progress. Hopefully, I have lots of years to practice.

What does my gut tell me to do now? Write, sculpt, sing, paint, listen, laugh, cry and just trust whatever comes up. To not let fear dictate what is in my head but to embrace what’s in my gut…and in my heart.

Jasmine

Jasmine. The smell is intoxicating. Coming up my stairs on a warm spring night and smelling the beautiful perfume of this delicate flower makes me very happy. It’s not the same if you pick it or if it’s bottled as a perfume. You must smell it as it is on the vine. That is its strength. It has the control to act exactly as it wants. No one tells it when it can bloom and when it dies. It is on its own schedule. The blooms don’t last forever but the sheer knowledge knowing that it will return is enough. Now that is freedom.

I’m trying to look at my life like jasmine. I have the power in myself to control how I feel and how I act. I also have to take responsibility for when I screw up and when I am true to myself. When to walk away and when to know it’s better to stick it out. I’m still trying to learn that lesson and it’s not very easy. The demons and voices in my head still trying to win out. We are surrounded right now by a lot of crazy stuff. I can find myself going down that rabbit hole. Getting caught up in all of the fear and uncertainty of what another day is going to bring. Age does that. It makes you face things you use to put aside when you were younger. There was always time before to work things out (you told younger self) but now I can feel time. Trying to drown out the clock ticking by a fountain in my office. Sometimes it works and sometimes I find myself looking at the clock more than I should.

This year there is a massive amount of butterflies out especially now that we are getting a bit of warmer weather. There are so many of them I can hear their wings flutter. They are so beautiful and so precious. As is the jasmine. So I am stopping to smell the jasmine. I suggest you also my friends, take time to smell the jasmine.

Sabbatical

It’s been awhile.  Actually it’s been months.  It’s my habit to start something, go full force and then life takes over.  But that’s the problem.  I let life take over.  I mean work life.  Too much work.  Not enough life.  I spoke to a psychic (I know so 2017) and she noted that the left (work )side of my chart was full.  Very full.  My right (fun) side?  Empty.  I mean blank.  Nothing. Nada. Continue reading