BacktrackI am feeling grey.  Not blue. Grey.  Sort of caught in the middle.  I guess you might say limbo.  I just finished a very intensive project which demanded a lot of my time and energy.  I am proud of the way everything looked and felt I gave it my all.  I know I could have done things differently and handled things differently but every project brings it’s own challenges and this one was no exception.

But now I have the down time I was wishing for when I was in the middle of the chaos.  The time to finally relax and take it easy.  Who am I kidding?  The voices in my head continue to go at the same speed as they did when I was furiously working.  Now that I actually have the time to complete the to do list swirling in my head I can’t seem to get up the strength to do it.  Or the desire.  And with that comes the guilt.  About the next job.  About the million things I think I should be doing in order to live the full life everyone keeps telling me I should be living.  It’s exhausting!

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I am always reading other people’s blogs and articles and books about how important it is to be grateful.  I must admit that sometimes I don’t particularly like them.  It is usually at a time when something has happened that doesn’t seem fair or necessary to experience in life.  Then I start to feel that reading and listening to all this seems ludicrous.  It should just be a given.

But my mind is not that clever even at this age and my ego starts to creep into my psych.  I make all the excuses of why I should feel sorry for myself and not realize how fortunate I am.  After all, I’ve worked hard for what I have.  Nothing has come that easily for me.  My determination and hard work have made me what I am today.
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