Hindsight

I recently watched a video from Tomfoolery called The Great Realisation Hindsight 2020. I have watched it numerous times and when I’m not I’m thinking about it. Being quarantined has given me a lot of time to think about things. You know, stuff. I’ve always had an issue with my monkey mind even in the best of times but somehow it has seemed to be calmer. Having the time to reflect and not judge has helped considerably.

I finished my course from Yale entitled The Science of Well Being and have to say that I did a jig when I received my certificate upon completion. It doesn’t mean I have college credit from Yale but it does mean I have a personal credit knowing I plowed through. And I must say I am better for it.

Which brings me to hindsight in everything, not just 2020. The technical meaning of hindsight is the understanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed. Wow is that a rude awakening considering where we are now. Much like the stock market. Oh, to have a crystal ball. With the stock market, there are ways to creep back to mend what has happened. But with this pandemic, I think we have to reach much deeper and go back to basics. In everything. As boring as simplicity may seem at times, beauty is truly in the eyes of the beholder.

I had to do a final paper on what I had learned from my course. I chose gratitude to focus on for four weeks. What I realized especially not being able to go out much was that I began to be more grateful for simple things.

It seems ridiculous to even mention some of the things I found. Like coffee, birds singing, a beautiful sunset, time to sit in my swing and look at the mountains, vitamins, a notarized document (quite a feat in a pandemic), webinars, etc. You get the picture. Nothing earth shattering but made my day go a bit smoother having all of it. Trust me there were other things deeper I was grateful for but the point is I had taken for granted even what seemed to be mundane.

So I sit here now writing my blog and listening to my washing machine wash my clothes in my own home with a full belly from a lovely dinner I prepared able to afford all of it. Heck yeah, I’m grateful.

Gut

The meaning of the gut when used as a noun is in reference to a feeling or reaction based on an instinctive emotional response rather than considered thought. Having a monkey mind I have many considered thoughts.

The Gut used as a verb is when it causes (someone) to feel extremely upset or disappointed. It guts me to think they were not being truthful.

I wanted to believe that the situation couldn’t or wouldn’t happen but my gut told me otherwise. It also pertains to having a gut feeling about a person. I have a bad habit of thinking that I am overreacting or being too sensitive or just not wanting to believe that my gut is telling me the truth.

My fear many times keeps me from trusting my gut. Because sometimes the truth, not my truth, but the truth is a hard pill to swallow. I don’t want to think the worse but sometimes that’s just the way it is. And I am now trying to really look at THE truth regardless of how hurtful it can be to me.

When I don’t feel good about myself it’s usually because I have to deal with the outcome of not going with my gut. I have to say in all these years my intuition (which I think is a good synonym) has not let me down. I’ve been the one who hasn’t been strong enough to face what the real deal is and not my idea of what I would like it to be.

My career always tests whether or not I am listening to what my inner voice is saying. Making the right decision for what is best for my own welfare and not making the decision for others. I did that a lot when I had to take care of my family even though there were times when I didn’t want to put myself in an awkward position.

Co-dependency challenged my gut many times and I usually listened to the voice that told me to buck up and be a team player even when it wasn’t for my best interest. Don’t get me wrong. There were decisions I made which helped me as well but I paid the price on the back end.

Going into the situation seemed to be “not so bad” (what we tell ourselves when we know our gut is saying NO!) and in the end wasn’t the right direction.

What not going with my gut has taught me is to learn from my mistakes and try not to make the same ones again. I guess what it comes down to is trusting yourself and…age. Yep, never thought I would go there but chalking up years on this earth has helped me to step back, listen and let things sit. Patience. Trust. Stillness. Still a work in progress. Hopefully, I have lots of years to practice.

What does my gut tell me to do now? Write, sculpt, sing, paint, listen, laugh, cry and just trust whatever comes up. To not let fear dictate what is in my head but to embrace what’s in my gut…and in my heart.

Jasmine

Jasmine. The smell is intoxicating. Coming up my stairs on a warm spring night and smelling the beautiful perfume of this delicate flower makes me very happy. It’s not the same if you pick it or if it’s bottled as a perfume. You must smell it as it is on the vine. That is its strength. It has the control to act exactly as it wants. No one tells it when it can bloom and when it dies. It is on its own schedule. The blooms don’t last forever but the sheer knowledge knowing that it will return is enough. Now that is freedom.

I’m trying to look at my life like jasmine. I have the power in myself to control how I feel and how I act. I also have to take responsibility for when I screw up and when I am true to myself. When to walk away and when to know it’s better to stick it out. I’m still trying to learn that lesson and it’s not very easy. The demons and voices in my head still trying to win out. We are surrounded right now by a lot of crazy stuff. I can find myself going down that rabbit hole. Getting caught up in all of the fear and uncertainty of what another day is going to bring. Age does that. It makes you face things you use to put aside when you were younger. There was always time before to work things out (you told younger self) but now I can feel time. Trying to drown out the clock ticking by a fountain in my office. Sometimes it works and sometimes I find myself looking at the clock more than I should.

This year there is a massive amount of butterflies out especially now that we are getting a bit of warmer weather. There are so many of them I can hear their wings flutter. They are so beautiful and so precious. As is the jasmine. So I am stopping to smell the jasmine. I suggest you also my friends, take time to smell the jasmine.