Author: Kris Evans

I’m leaving next week for Bali and so many emotions have come up this week.  I wake up in the middle of the night remembering what needs to go on the list so I won’t forget anything.  I use to be able to keep a lot of items in my head but not so much anymore.  It’s there and then it’s not.  I have  always been a big list maker anyway but have really had to step it up.  I think of it and then really believe I will remember it later to write it down.  Doesn’t happen.  The thought is gone within minutes and I have to retrace my steps to recall what I needed.  It is so frustrating especially when I use to pride myself on how much information I could keep in my head.

I don’t really know what to expect in Bali.  I don’t know what the month will be like or whether I will produce what it is I have wanted to do for a long time.  I have wanted to write a book.  There, I said it.  Do I think I will be successful when I come home?  I have no clue.  I expect I will try and do the best I can to accomplish my goal.  Failure is always in the back of my mind but failure according to who?  I expect people will question why, at my age, I would even dream of picking up and flying half way around the world to write.  Why not stay home and save the money?  Because I know that if I put myself out there I will expect to move into a different mindset.  I will expect to do what has driven me before in any endeavor I have chosen to do. Only now I am doing it completely for me.  Not for the money, not for the credit, not for the recognition.

I am expecting to change and grow in the process of writing this book.  I will be practicing yoga everyday, writing and experiencing a different culture.  What looks like the dream trip is also filled with a lot of expectations that may not be fulfilled.  I’d be lying if I said I’m just going to let go and take things as they come.  I’ve been too calculated and organized all of my life to just cast fate to the wind.   But I am trying to expect that whatever happens I will come back a different  person having just gotten on the plane and tried.

Who am I kidding?  I’m trying to be as prepared as I can and bring all of the things that I need to make sure everything will go as expected.  What’s the worse that can happen?  The unexpected.  The exception to the rule.  The freedom of trusting that it will be magnificent.

This is a tough one to write.  I just came from a beautiful and thoughtful memorial to a gifted, funny and special artist.  The message was how important it is to live your life as you see it.  To know that even though it’s not status quo, it’s alright to be who you are.

I realized that in being in a group of people that I have a habit of becoming very uncomfortable and having a hard time relating to those around me.  It doesn’t matter whether I am at a party or at a memorial.  It’s just hard feeling comfortable with myself.  I start to judge what I am saying or how I am reacting to the situation.  I judge myself and the voice in my head starts to tell me that I am out of place.  That I don’t belong.

I wish I could say it had something to do with my age but it doesn’t.  It has to do with the habit of thinking that I’m not enough.  That people are judging me.  That I am not living up to their expectations.  That my actions are not the way everyone else thinks they should be.  I start to judge other people’s reaction to me when in fact I have no idea what they are thinking or what they are going through.  My habit is to bring it back to me which has nothing to do with anything.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I go into my old habits of disappointing those around me. I want to say the right thing at the right time and in the anxiety of trying I completely check out.  I don’t follow through in making sure that I tell them that it is nice to see them and hope they are doing well.  I get caught up in wondering whether or not I am following the right social rules whatever that means.

And if I am in a situation where maybe I need to say something to explain or express my short comings I hide my head in the sand for fear I won’t do it right.  I admire this amazing, gifted, talented person to whom I shared his memorial.  Because he seemed to enjoy creating, inspiring and helping everyone he graced with his wit, talent and presence.

So my new habit is to write a new story, sing a new song and jump higher than before.  Habits may be hard to break but it is much more dangerous to break my spirit.  That is something I know is not an option.  I know the new habit I have to adopt is walking through the fear.