I’m leaving next week for Bali and so many emotions have come up this week. I wake up in the middle of the night remembering what needs to go on the list so I won’t forget anything. I use to be able to keep a lot of items in my head but not so much anymore. It’s there and then it’s not. I have always been a big list maker anyway but have really had to step it up. I think of it and then really believe I will remember it later to write it down. Doesn’t happen. The thought is gone within minutes and I have to retrace my steps to recall what I needed. It is so frustrating especially when I use to pride myself on how much information I could keep in my head.
I don’t really know what to expect in Bali. I don’t know what the month will be like or whether I will produce what it is I have wanted to do for a long time. I have wanted to write a book. There, I said it. Do I think I will be successful when I come home? I have no clue. I expect I will try and do the best I can to accomplish my goal. Failure is always in the back of my mind but failure according to who? I expect people will question why, at my age, I would even dream of picking up and flying half way around the world to write. Why not stay home and save the money? Because I know that if I put myself out there I will expect to move into a different mindset. I will expect to do what has driven me before in any endeavor I have chosen to do. Only now I am doing it completely for me. Not for the money, not for the credit, not for the recognition.
I am expecting to change and grow in the process of writing this book. I will be practicing yoga everyday, writing and experiencing a different culture. What looks like the dream trip is also filled with a lot of expectations that may not be fulfilled. I’d be lying if I said I’m just going to let go and take things as they come. I’ve been too calculated and organized all of my life to just cast fate to the wind. But I am trying to expect that whatever happens I will come back a different person having just gotten on the plane and tried.
Who am I kidding? I’m trying to be as prepared as I can and bring all of the things that I need to make sure everything will go as expected. What’s the worse that can happen? The unexpected. The exception to the rule. The freedom of trusting that it will be magnificent.