Kris Evans – Styled Inside Out

L’argent, yen, pesos, denaro, pounds, money. The translation is the same in any language. However, to some it means power and control. To others it means security and safety. And to others it means a way to give back and support those in need. Regardless of how it is interpreted it has a strong effect on everyone. Who knew that a coin or a piece of fancy paper could dictate how the world behaves.

Then there is how it effects each individual as to how they have been introduced to money. For me, there never was enough when I was growing up. It affectd how I did everything in my life. When I had a bit of money it kept me from feeling lost, lonely and confused. That may seem a bit dramatic but it was for me. I started babysitting to buy that cute sweater I wanted from Casual Corner. I felt if I had that sweater I would be cool enough to withstand anything. Anything. It was shield against the haves and have nots. I didn’t want people to know I didn’t have what they had because then it would make me weak.

And so through my life looking good in the way of style was my ammo. I combed through countless magazines hoping I could one day look like Cheryl Tiegs or Lauren Hutton. I wanted to grace the cover of Seventeen. I wanted to be one of the college editors for Mademoiselle. Didn’t happen. Even owning that Villager sweater, the kilt with black tights, knit cap pulled down over my long hair and camel hair’s wool coat did not make me Ali Mc Graw from Love Story. It did make me feel rich enough to feel good about myself and so that was money well spent. I had to save up a long time for that but it was worth every cent.

What it didn’t do was make me feel equal to those who had a lot of money and for a long time I was jealous and angry I wasn’t born into a wealthy family. It took time for me to realize that the only way I was going to go anywhere and do anything was to do it myself. And the lack of money gave me the strength to do things I may not have done otherwise.

I’ve gotten somewhat better at this whole money thing but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that sometimes I envy the people in Town and County. I envy those who can drop $1000.00 on a purse and not give it a second thought. Not because they can buy the purse but because they have no guilt about it. Whether I agree with it or not is not for me to judge. I know that my psyche tells me I came from a different world and that world did not come with that purse.

Can’t say it will ever change as hard as I try. That feeling is deep rooted and may never go away. But I am trying to relax. I’m starting to believe that if I just trust in myself I know I’ll have enough to survive and live. I am finally ready to bank on the beauty of the simple things all around me and that is what I want to invest in now.

I’m working on a project now that seems to have a constant stream of deadlines. It is going until the end of July so I am telling myself to just take a day at a time. However, most of the time, deadlines don’t allow you the luxury. I haven’t found a way to “live each moment like it’s your last.” The concept sounds great but in reality I’m still too afraid to be that brave.

I try not to live so much in the past but the future is another story. When I have tried to live in the moment it seems I’m not very well prepared for what’s going to happen next. Whether it’s because I’m somewhat of a control freak or just nervous about a bad outcome, I always feel safer when I’m prepared.

I recently read where someone quit their job and bought a one way ticket to London to follow their dream. I admire that they know their dream. I, unfortunately, am still trying to find that out. And so the moment passes (or many moments pass) and I find myself frustrated that I haven’t met my dream deadline.

At this stage in my life I want to be more trusting that things will turn out the way they are suppose to in the scheme of things. But age, for me, has a tendency to make me more skeptical of just “letting things happen.” I find I’m not as adventurous as I used to be when I knew I had lots of time to meet those deadlines. I do better feeling safe. Not always but for now.

Sometimes I find my head so clouded I want to escape to a place where I can quiet the voices that keep telling me about the schedule. I am constantly looking at the calender to make sure I am ready for each challenge that comes my way. And yet I see the days flying by and I wonder how long I can or want to keep up the pace.

I’m excited about my trip to Bali but have numerous deadlines and rules to follow before getting on that plane. Although I know it’s essential to make sure everything is secure it’s just one more thing in my head to keep straight to meet the deadline. In hindsight I know that every time I meet a deadline I feel like I have control but another part of me would like to cast that to the wind and let each day unfold without having to worry about it being planned.

And yet, when I do meet that deadline, which is the end of my life, I’m hoping I will be happy that I tried to have every experience I could possibly squeeze out of my time here. Because when you don’t know when that deadline is, it seems better to stay on course.

I have always had to be responsible even at a young age because of how I was raised. Wasn’t that it was expected of me it was just the way it was. There weren’t any options. And because of that I felt it was my responsibility to take care of everyone else as well. As if they weren’t capable. But that made me feel needed and wanted and so that’s how I justified my actions.

So over the years I took it on myself to make sure everything was taken care of and on course. What course I’m not sure now in looking back, but definitely a course. It is what kept me moving forward and surviving in my life. Was it the right way or the best way? Probably not, but it was what I was comfortable with so I stuck to that regime.

But now after many years of being responsible and knowing that in less I do it myself it ain’t going to happen I find myself tired and quite frankly a bit annoyed. Not at anyone in particular but especially with myself. It’s very hard for me to do something for myself that doesn’t involve my family or friends or business associates.

I love giving gifts or doing things for other people. I know it’s because it makes me feel good but it also fills a void that I have been trying to fill all of my life. I think many of us feel the same way they just don’t want to admit it or they don’t recognize it. To feel wanted and needed from an outside source is a very dangerous drug. To always look for someone’s approval or justification of why we should be here seems to me to be the best recipe for disappointment.

At least when you rely on being responsible for yourself you have no one else to blame if it doesn’t go the way you intended. But if you look to yourself for the recognition and it doesn’t come then you have, well, only yourself to blame. That, for me, has been a big pill to swallow. I still have my moments when I just don’t want to admit I have to take that pill.

I recently signed up to go on a 28 day writer’s workshop in Bali. The requirement is writing 3000-5000 words a day. That seems a bit impossible for me but only because I haven’t taken the time to actually do something for myself and only myself with a selfish intention. I told myself that it is costly and time consuming and there is no guarantee that the non fiction novel I have been writing for ten years will every hit the stands as a published book.

However, what it has done is stir up all of the insecurities I have of investing in myself with no strings attached whether it be for family, friends or clients. Just me. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t had moments when the guilt hasn’t entered into my psyche but the last payment is in and I am now determined to give it my all. Not to say I not scared or that I have doubts as to how all of this will go but just pushing the button to make the payment for something that is just for me has been a huge step without worrying about everyone else.

Ultimately everyone else will find their way (and the key here is their way, not what I think their way should be) and me going to Bali will not stop that. What it will do is finally take the responsibility for my own happiness from the inside and quit looking for it on the outside.

Author: Kris Evans

Money

Deadlines

Responsibility