DeadlinesI’m working on a project now that seems to have a constant stream of deadlines.  It is going until the end of July so I am telling myself to just take a day at a time.  However, most of the time, deadlines don’t allow you the luxury.  I haven’t found a way to “live each moment like it’s your last.”  The concept sounds great but in reality I’m still too afraid to be that brave.

I try not to live so much in the past but the future is another story.  When I have tried to live in the moment it seems I’m not very well prepared for what’s going to happen next.  Whether it’s because I’m somewhat of a control freak or just nervous about a bad outcome, I always feel safer when I’m prepared.

I recently read where someone quit their job and bought a one way ticket to London to follow their dream.  I admire that they know their dream.  I, unfortunately, am still trying to find that out.  And so the moment passes (or many moments pass) and I find myself frustrated that I haven’t met my dream deadline.

At this stage in my life I want to be more trusting that things will turn out the way they are suppose to in the scheme of things.  But age, for me, has a tendency to make me more skeptical of just “letting things happen.”  I find I’m not as adventurous as I used to be when I knew I had lots of time to meet those deadlines.  I do better feeling safe.  Not always but for now.

Sometimes I find my head so clouded I want to escape to a place where I can quiet the voices that keep telling me about the schedule.  I am constantly looking at the calender to make sure I am ready for each challenge that comes my way.  And yet I see the days flying by and I wonder how long I can or want to keep up the pace.

I’m excited about my trip to Bali but have numerous deadlines and rules to follow before getting on that plane.  Although I know it’s essential to make sure everything is secure it’s just one more thing in my head to keep straight to meet the deadline.  In hindsight I know that every time I meet a deadline I feel like I have control but another part of me would like to cast that to the wind and let each day unfold without having to worry about it being planned.

And yet, when I do meet that deadline, which is the end of my life,  I’m hoping I will be happy that I tried to have every experience I could possibly squeeze out of my time here.  Because when you don’t know when that deadline is, it seems better to stay on course.

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