As I write this I find that I am having trouble finding energy for anything. Thoughts are racing through my head of what the day will bring and what I have to accomplish today. I am working nights so my sleep pattern is all off. With that comes a fogginess that makes it difficult to do even the simplest task. As the day progresses I fight to be able to get somewhat of a grasp of the laundry list in my head.
Things appear that usually don’t happen when I’m not as tired as I am now. I am able to place thoughts in their right compartments so the to do list can be checked off. The to do list for my day and the to do list for my life. Even writing right now seems to be taking longer that it usually does. I am finding it more of a task right now. Writing for me has become my life line into discovering the subtle details of what makes me tick. Some days are easier than others but I always am clearer when I put my thoughts into words. There is something to be said for writing in a journal. I’m not good at the day to day as I tend to procrastinate and get distracted but I really feel a sense of comfort when I write.
I find that there are different levels of fatigue and what happens when my guard is down. I want to express myself or take care of sensitive situations and don’t seem to have the clarity or energy to be clever enough to present my case like a lawyer in a courtroom. To be quick enough to choose the right words so as not to be judged or to even judge incorrectly.
However with fatigue comes a vulnerability that makes me cautious and emotional. My frustrations come to the surface more quickly and I have a hard time saying what I want to say without getting angry or weepy. I guess that type of fatigue is a way of cleaning house for the deeper sense of discovering who I really am. I find we mask a lot of what we really want to say and feel for fear of being judged and not loved. So we fight fatigue, mentally and physically, to keep a grasp on our emotions. God knows I most certainly don’t what to go through life a weepy mess but I do want to stay in touch with the human side of who I am.
And so I will allow the fatigue to have it’s way every now and then. I will try not to allow it to be of my path. It won’t become my excuse for checking out. My choice will be to be easier on myself and know that is my path. To be alive. Really alive. Lesson learned. I’ll rest on that.