ProcrastinationThis has been an albatross for me most of my life.  As much as on the surface I seem to be very organized and together inside I am constantly fighting the battle of the inner voice saying, “Did you do it?  Did you do it? When are you going to do it?”

In my professional life there are deadlines.  Something HAS to be done by a certain time and if it isn’t I won’t have a job.  Hundreds of people make up the fabric of getting a project shot whether it be film, TV, commercial or any other creative project.  You are given a date and by God you better meet that deadline or else.

But life has a way of not really caring about when something is done or if it gets finished at all.  The only person who suffers is you and you can be very hard on yourself.  I am much harder on myself than any production.  In the back of my mind I know that there are people expecting me to deliver and the task is very clear.  But what direction I choose in my personal life is another story.

My son is going through a time right now where he thought he knew what he wanted, went to school for it, got a degree and was ready to take on the music world.  I knew when he chose his profession it was going to be a hard road.  Especially choosing being a jazz musician.  But no matter how much you can express what you think they have to find their own way and discover for them what will work and what won’t.  Have to say it’s hard to watch sometimes because you know how hard it was for you when you were their age.   I keep telling myself the best gift I can give him is his independence.

But here I am going off on a tangent and procrastinating with what is really the root of why I do procrastinate.  Someone once told me that if you don’t make a decision, you can’t be blamed.  And God knows I love to blame myself for not having the insight as to what is my next step.  Because if I take that step and it’s the wrong step (which I have done more times than I would like to admit) than the outcome may be too much to accept.  When I was younger I had the time to fix my screw-ups but as I get older, time is going by very quickly and I feel like I am always trying to beat the clock.  I try to look ahead for the next round in life and I’m not quite sure I have the chops for it.

I know whatever I choose I will survive but do I just want to survive or really live?  I’m trying to figure out what it is I am willing to commit to for the next stage because when my time comes for it all to be over I don’t want any regrets.

I vowed I would write a blog every week and that it would be published on  Thursday.   That would force me to have a schedule and take the time to sit down and write.  Once I start writing it flows.  It’s the sitting down that I have a hard time with each week.  I am on an intensive project right now which I have chosen to do so I feel the responsibility to give it my all.  But in doing so it has also given me permission to procrastinate in my personal life.  It  frustrates me because the procrastination has not allowed me to meet that deadline. But when I do get that brief time to catch my breath something  something says to me, “Enough.”  And I finally sit down and write.

The most profound thing happens when I do write.  My aha moments come rushing in and I don’t procrastinate on having those thoughts.  And so I know that with all the energy I put into my professional life I will also continue to put into my writing every week.  It will reassure me that even for a brief moment I will not be procrastinating  in what I want to do for the rest of my life.


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