Addiction. Addiction. Addiction. What a loaded word. It can account for so many meanings. Drugs, alcohol, sex, food, spending, gambling, co-dependency, on and on and on. It can destroy lives in an instant or over a long, pain staking life. The intensity can only be measured by the person who is experiencing the addiction. What ever happens in the mind to allow someone to go to that place, that bottomless abyss, is always up for discussion and analysis.
I have had moments in my life where to not be here seemed easier than being here. Where unhappiness of my life seemed to overtake my rational of what really mattered. However I was lucky enough not to be so depressed as to fall down that well and not be able to climb out. I once asked someone who was diagnosed with depression what it felt like. Why they weren’t able to get out of bed or found themselves staring into space for long periods of time without having the knowledge that they were slipping. They said it felt like they had fallen into a deep ditch and every time they were close to climbing to the top to escape they would loose their grip and fall back down. They felt as if they were never going to get to the top to freedom.
Again, my mind can see that vision but I have a difficult time completely embracing the fact that I can’t get out. I always seem to escape. I suspect it’s like trying to wrap your head around infinity. You try to see into the distance of nothingness and then you see a horizon. There is always a focal point. I have a very hard time visualizing nothingness. But I imagine (and I can only imagine because thank God I haven’t been to that place) that when you are at the lowest depths your mind cannot see the horizon. There is no end. And you then lose all hope.
To be in that place where nothing, not family, not friends, not career, not even experiencing any of the miracles of life are not enough is heartbreaking. Again, I feel like I have been given a gift to be able to know the difference and be able to keep myself out of harm’s way.
I am in Russia now and was walking along the sea on a beautiful, sunny day. To not have the opportunity to experience this and to know how fortunate I am to be able to appreciate the moment is something I wish I could give to the person who thinks the simple moments in life are not enough. That the pain is too much for them to realize how sweet life can be. So easy to say and so difficult to do when addiction rules your life.
I have lost friends to addiction and I miss them. I know that possibly they are finally at peace from the demons that were raging in their head. I want to believe there is a life after death and I will be reunited with them and all of my loved ones in a pure, blissful place.