InsecurityThis has quite a loaded meaning.  It can pertain to so many things that it’s hard to narrow it down to a clear meaning.  The dictionary says it is the uncertainty or anxiety about oneself, lack of confidence.  It also has a second meaning which is the state of being open to danger or threat or lack of protection.

The second definition really hit me.  Lack of protection seems like a synonym for vulnerability. And anytime I allow myself to feel vulnerable I feel very insecure.  I start to question whether my decisions are the right ones not for me but for everyone else involved.  Again co-dependency rears its ugly head and I will fret over every minuet detail.  I will lose sleep, overeat and just beat myself up if I feel I have made the wrong decision.  And if I feel I have and can’t seem to erase the outcome then I will beat myself up for failing.

Vulnerability is a bitch no matter how you slice it.  Wanting to be loved and appreciated can be exhausting.  I am trying to love myself more and take care of myself more but old habits hang around and can be nearly impossible to eliminate.  I look for others to tell me I’m ok and then feel awful when the outcome is not what I had written in my script.

Does that ever happen to you?  You have to have a heart to heart conversation with someone and your mind is filled with what will be said and what the outcome will be.  What will I say and how will I want it to end so that everyone will be happy and fulfilled?  Come from my heart and not the hurt. Try to see and understand what they are feeling.  Be objective and not emotional.

Let it be a practical decision like paying bills, organizing a huge project at work or just the linguistics of travel and I have that down in spades.  But add even the smallest amount of emotion to the equation and that’s when it takes me forever to make that decision.

I am trying to do the best I can and really listen to what is the underlying factor in my insecurities and I have come to somewhat of a conclusion.  No matter how I face how much the outcome may scare me, I know that if I don’t face it sooner or later the decision will be made for me.  It could be in my health, my relationships or in my quest for happiness.  However, I am beginning to realize that I am secure in knowing that the only way to find peace is to take the responsibility for my own decisions and learn to love myself for it.