ChangeThe new year is coming upon us rapidly and with it will come the desire to look inside and find what we need to do to find the happiness we are longing for in our lives.  I use to have fleeting moments of pure happiness on a regular basis but those moments were becoming less and less apparent. Before going to Bali I seemed to have checked out in even looking for the brighter side of life.  The world was and still is searching for some kind of balance.  And I was caught up in that search.

Now coming back I’m seeing that there has not been much change out there but there has definitely been a change in me.  Things will still happen that are disconcerting and hard to imagine coming from a supposedly progressive world but I know that how I relate to all of it will be the key in my change.

Old habits I have fallen back on because it has been familiar and thus easier for me to handle will not suit me anymore.  I know that having tried to revert back to what’s certain and what’s not.  The uncertainty will be the only way I will know if I am moving forward.  It’s the only way I will know that I am not going to settle for what is expected of me.  I know that the only way to be available for others is to make sure I am first taking care of myself.

I know that may seem selfish to some as it has not been the case in the past.  And in doing so I have sold myself short of giving completely without expecting something back.  It takes courage to admit that I need help. That asking for that help does not mean I am not strong enough to handle it myself.  Going for the uncertainty means that I will be finding the strength to live freely with no conditions.  To not be hurt if someone doesn’t live up to my expectations.  Just because they’re mine does not mean they are right for everyone.  They will just be right for me.

I  believe that in finding the path through the haze of what was comfortable but not always successful in my happiness I will be able to celebrate the change and finally find, even at this age, my creative, inspired and honest self.

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