Being very tired tends to make me complacent.  My head is clouded with everything needed to be done.  Mind you, I am the one who has put the pressure on myself but after so many years it’s difficult to just let things go.  I am afraid that if I get too complacent I will watch my life go by and not do everything I think I want to do.  I find myself reading all of these sayings or quotes about how I should be living my life and after a while it gets quite overwhelming.

I know people who live their lives very content being complacent about everything and it doesn’t seem to bother them.  I guess it depends on what you think complacent means.  The dictionary (I love using that term even though we no longer physically use a dictionary!) says that complacency is a feeling of smug or uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.

Complacency in life, however, tends to carry a degree of acceptance of everything and anything.  Sometimes I find myself satisfied with something not going my way.  Or someone treating me with disrespect.  I subconsciously accept the fact that it’s just how things are.  It’s just how some people behave.

But in order for my life experience to take on a new look, the feeling I am striving for, I must detach from that way of thinking.  To change the random occurrence of good days every now and then, I must take control of my affairs and my life.  I can’t put my head in the sand or shut my eyes and hope when I open them it will be ok.

I could easily blame my behavior on my mom because that is how she lived her life.  Always looking but never seizing the opportunity to do it herself.  Always looking for someone to save the day. However,  I have to determine the path I will take.  I am responsible for what happens to me.  I cannot buy into accepting someone else’s reality as my own.  As I get older, I find I am blaming my age sometimes for my choices and my fatigue.  My mind gets muddied and it just seems easier to check out.  I wonder where that girl has gone that use to have so much fire.

Regardless, I still have a choice and even though sometimes it may not be the path I thought I was going on I know ultimately I have to make the most of it.  There will always be someone who seems to be luckier, smarter, more talented, more successful and just down right the lottery winner.  I can make the excuses that will keep me safe and comfortable or I can insist that there is something more still waiting for me and I am determined to discover it.

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