The hardest thing in my life I live with and the one thing in my life I would like to lose is my ego. It is really hard! I have good days and bad days. Usually, the bad days are when I am working with incredibly talented people and I feel insecure. Instead of being smart about the ego and telling it to go away, I let it creep in and do the deed.
Insecurity, fear, frustration and just downright not liking myself and it rears its ugly head. Now I know that having a healthy ego can be a good thing (or so I’m told), but I’m not quite sure sometimes where healthy ends and insecurity begins. It has a way of starting the voices in my head. I try to justify in order for me to believe what I’m telling myself and then it begins to get murky.
The ego tries to justify this crazy behavior. I know I am good at what I do in my work but how good? And according to who? I would love to be satisfied with knowing I have worked many years to learn my craft and be proud of that fact. But sometimes the ego keeps me from enjoying the fruits of my labor.
I have read many books about how to live life in the moment and not let what others think of me matter. But then my ego shows up and it does matter! I want them to like me. Really like me! And isn’t that why the ego plays such a dramatic part in our daily lives?
It goes back to the simple fact we want to be loved. We want to be accepted. We want to know that everything is going to be all right. That to find the true essence of oneself we must rid ourselves of the fear of being alone. To trust that what we have whatever that may be right now at this moment is enough. That the next moment may be different but for right now it’s enough. And right now it’s still enough. And that moment to moment of knowing is what softens the ego to be healthy and caring.
This healthy ego will make us strong enough to face whatever it is the future will throw our way. In that strength, we will be able to experience birth, life, love and death with the knowledge that it will have its way if we let it have its way. We have been given the free will to choose. I am going to try to continue to choose this moment.