I couldn’t decide whether I wanted to write about exhaustion or frustration but sometimes, somehow they seem to go together. The frustration comes from knowing what you want and not being able to get it and so exhaustion sets in just from trying. Most of the time it’s wishing people or situations were a certain way. Your way. But they seem to have their own agenda and it’s not yours. Not that it’s wrong. Just wrong for you.
And this is where the inner self needs to listen to what it really needs and wants. I know that I forget and try to change what is the chaos on the outside so become exhausted and frustrated by not being able to do so. Then anger sets in and the cycle starts all over again. I don’t feel in control. I feel anxious. I feel scattered. On and on.
But let’s get back to that inner self. I tell myself that I can’t control what’s going on outside of me but I can control how I respond. I can tell myself that the reason I feel exhausted and frustrated is not with what is going on around me but what’s going on inside me. That as much as my mind tells me to calm down and keep my inner self focused and aware, my emotions take over. The hurt of not being “appreciated” comes over me. The need for outside forces wins and my battle continues all over again.
I guess what I’m trying to say is the real frustration is having such a hard time being with me without the outside justification that I’m ok. Not perfect by a long shot. But I’m ok. To relax and know the only one who is going to make it all right is me. I guess maybe that’s what enlightenment is all about. Detachment without ego. It’s not thinking that you’re above it all and so you check out. It’s knowing that the only calm you can really control is what’s inside of you.
It’s not an easy choice to listen to that inner self because sometimes the drama of the frustration is the vehicle for attention. From someone or something other than yourself. And when it comes right down to it you are all you got in the end. I’ve got the choice of being frustrated and exhausted on so many levels or choosing to focus on my awareness of why I’m getting frustrated and exhausted in the first place.
“Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.”