Recently I find myself unsubscribed in ways I never was before. The world is moving in a precarious direction in my opinion and somehow subconsciously it is making me a bit unsettled. I am looking to my future not quite sure in how it is going to unfold. Things that seemed frivolous are now weighing on me. I’m not as patient as I would like to be and it’s not because of how other people are behaving. It’s because I don’t like the doubt in me. I am unsubscribed in focusing on what I need to do in order to feel centered and in control. And then I get frustrated because I am trying to become more free.
I want to be free of the need of my self importance in my work and in my life. I want to be free of the need to justify my talent, my work and my daily decisions in how I behave. I want to stop engaging in the gossip and insecurities in myself, in others and in the way our world is spinning.
It hurts when others unsubscribe from whatever it is you are doing. When they are dismissive or downright uncaring. And yet I am guilty of doing the same when I feel scared or not understood. I get my feathers ruffled thinking that my existence is the end all be all. And then I feel guilty for acting like a spoiled child and try again to be on my best behavior.
It seems to me that because we are exposed to a tremendous amount of information via internet and the like that so much knowledge about every detail whether we want to know or not is causing people to unsubscribe back. Somewhat of a passive aggressive behavior. Smiling through the behavior of anger and frustration and most of all fear. I get angry of not being able to control certain things so I say to myself, “I’ll show them!” while I’m eating something I shouldn’t eat or not practicing what I should be practicing for my well being. I am unsubscribing thinking that will make me feel better. And in the end it just doesn’t.
In the end I need to go back to looking at how beautiful the day is with the leaves changing and the crisp smell of autumn in the air. With that simplicity I realize that the only way to survive is to subscribe. For whatever that is and however it turns out. That the only way to move forward and be successful in my mind of being happy is to subscribe to life as it comes. I am determined to not let my subscription run out.