BacktrackI am feeling grey.  Not blue. Grey.  Sort of caught in the middle.  I guess you might say limbo.  I just finished a very intensive project which demanded a lot of my time and energy.  I am proud of the way everything looked and felt I gave it my all.  I know I could have done things differently and handled things differently but every project brings it’s own challenges and this one was no exception.

But now I have the down time I was wishing for when I was in the middle of the chaos.  The time to finally relax and take it easy.  Who am I kidding?  The voices in my head continue to go at the same speed as they did when I was furiously working.  Now that I actually have the time to complete the to do list swirling in my head I can’t seem to get up the strength to do it.  Or the desire.  And with that comes the guilt.  About the next job.  About the million things I think I should be doing in order to live the full life everyone keeps telling me I should be living.  It’s exhausting!

And then I backtrack.  In more ways than one.  I am turning grey as one does when the years pile on and so I color my hair.  Recently I tried highlights as the all in one henna was starting to look a bit “wiggy”.  No, let’s say Liz Taylor when she was married to Larry.  I tried to go lighter but the color didn’t behave and it always turned out too dark.  The highlights helped to soften the color so it actually looked closer to natural.   Well time moves on and the grey started to peek through.  I was going to an affair with many of my peers and wanted to look my best.  Or what I think will make me feel my best.  So I tried to delicately color my hair and Liz Taylor reappeared!  It not only made me mad but made me grey in another way.  It presented me with the realization that time is marching on.  And the full life that I am trying to live is going to happen however it happens.

I found a product called Backtrack and it reversed the mishap.  I’m back to pre Liz and not a moment too soon.  I’m not ready to darken what I think shows that I’m getting older.  It’s going to happen whether I dye my hair or not.  The voices are going to come and go whether I like it or not.  And backtracking will not always be the answer.  Sometimes I am going to have to wade through the sludge regardless how mucky it can get.  All the spiritual practices are a good start but are not the answer.  The answer is my way of dealing with the grey.  My personal way.  The grey of my hair, the world, my future and my life.  Because in all of that grey is a beautiful ray of color that reminds me of the beauty of my freedom to choose.  There are so many right now who do not have that freedom.  They would give anything to be able to backtrack to a world that is kinder and gentler.

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