That sounds like such a strong, definitive word. Like the sky may fall. Like if I don’t make the deadline I didn’t win. I trained to finish the marathon and was really determined. Wasn’t sure what happened. Like I’m swimming upstream against everyone else. Ah, but wait! Felt pressure to perform and to live up to expectations even though I knew I was going to do it. I was allowing all of the outside pressure force me into doubting what was on the inside. Because I knew I could do it. I didn’t have any doubt. Because I have spent my whole life being a finisher. Not because I felt I needed to but because I didn’t want to disappoint every one else who was counting on me.
But this is different. It doesn’t matter in what direction I’m swimming. That’s what makes life interesting. This feels like I did it completely for me. I felt the pressure because I didn’t want to let myself down. I’ve spent my whole life waiting to finally take the time to do it for me. I’m tired but in a different way than working sixteen hours. I’m tired in my body and definitely in my head. It’s not like the marathon tired. It’s like a content tired. That when it was too hard to think about what needed to be done the cheerleader in me came out and pushed me to do more. Not for someone else but for me.
I feel like I’ve done a tremendous amount of physical labor and then gone into a steam room and completely relaxed. All of the tension, stress and angst has left my body if only for a short period of time. I’ll take whatever I can get. Because I made the deadline I promised myself I would make and it feels pretty damn good.