IMG_0833That dirty word seems to have new meaning with this coming new year.  All of the receipts that I have accumulated over the last year of being out of town is ready to take over my office.  I try to put most on a credit card but being out of the country sometimes it’s not possible.  Then those paper receipts end up in every pocket, purse and  eventually, on my desk.

I am trying to keep everything online but I’m also getting a paper bill (I know, I know, I’m still in the stone age). The mail can overwhelm me when I get home after a long time away.  Stacks of envelopes, papers and magazines (yes I still read magazines in their antique paper form) fill my dining room table.  I am very diligent about making sure all of the bills are taken care of but one seemed to slip by my watchful eye.

Assuming the house and everything that entails makes it a daunting task especially when you are out of town.  I’ve been pretty good at keeping up  with all of the small details except for one…the property taxes.  I never received a paper bill and no email was sent to me.  The cut off date had never been on my radar as it was always paid long before the due date.  Until now.  First time ever.  It not only was a hefty penalty financially but a hefty penalty emotionally.  I don’t like being late for anything especially things that effect my living status.  It stems from not having when I was a kid and losing pretty much everything at a young age.  Thank God for my crazy, tenacious mother who fought back from having nothing to keep a roof over our heads.  I am eternally grateful but it has left a fear at times.  However I try to dismiss it, it rears it’s ugly head.

The insecurity is deep rooted and doesn’t matter what my bank account says.  It can be taxes, property, even credit cards which I pay off in full every month.  That tinge of fear sneaks in and shakes up my core.  I am determined to fight and win against the demon but sometimes it can get the best of me.  Not only the insecurity but the feeling that after all these years I have not quite gotten it under control.

As taxing as life in general can be I know I’ve got this.  I’ve really got this.  I focus on what I do have and how I have been able, after all these years, to continue to have what I need.  I really am grateful.

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