I recently took an Enneagram test to discover what kind of personality I had. There are nine types and you are to answer certain questions to determine what type you are. Of course, the first thing I thought of when I began the test was how was I going to answer the questions to get the results I would like to see. I think I was wishing I was a certain way but finally resigned myself to answer the questions honestly without being so calculated.
My result was that I was a two, the helper. Although it seemed safe enough in digging further I realized that my behavior encompassed everything printed. I was a two through and through with the good and the bad. Bad? Well let’s say calculated. It was if the test knew what I was trying to do but in the end the guilt took over.
There are times when I rationalize why I do what I do to calm the waters. I really do want to help and enjoy knowing I have given someone information that will make their life better. But I also have this need to be liked and so I sometimes think if I help this person they will like me more. That I am not enough. That I have to give added value to win their friendship.
After reading the information I noticed that I was acting this way most of the time. Someone has Bali belly? Oh, I have crackers that will help that. Do you have Cipro? I have some if you need it. Want a glass of wine? I’ve got some in my room. Need a kidney? What are you doing tomorrow at noon?
I am the one that actually mails a thank you note after someone has invited me to their home for dinner. I mean with a stamp and everything. Emails seem too impersonal to me. Someone goes out of their way to do something special for me and I send them flowers. Not just any flowers. Flowers from the florist that doesn’t use mums or daisies or baby’s breath. There is no teddy bear in the flowers I send. Because again I want them to know I took the extra step to not just google FTD and send them a floral arrangement that looks like it was from a grocery store. “It’s the thought that counts” doesn’t ring true to me because I want to send them something I would love to have.
So where does all this lead me? I am trying to focus on the two at their best. To be sincere and warm but also maintain this approach to life because I am taking care of my own needs. I don’t want to feel like I am missing out if someone doesn’t behave the way I would like them to behave. I want to be able to step back and know I don’t always have to be the care taker and that I’ll be all right.
Two plus two equals four and that’s the number I am suppose to gravitate to when I want to be transparent with myself. I want to find humor and honesty in whatever I am feeling. Yep, I want to lighten up. Because I don’t want to laugh because I’m trying to cover the hurt. I just want to laugh.