TwoI recently took an Enneagram test to discover what kind of personality I had.  There are nine types and you are to answer certain questions to determine what type you are.  Of course, the first thing I thought of when I began the test was how was I going to answer the questions to get the results I would like to see.   I think I was wishing I was a certain way but finally resigned myself to answer the questions honestly without being so calculated.

My result was that I was a two,  the helper.  Although it seemed safe enough in digging further I realized that my behavior encompassed everything printed.  I was a two through and through with the good and the bad.  Bad?  Well let’s say calculated.  It was if the test knew what I was trying to do but in the end the guilt took over.

There are times when I rationalize why I do what I do to calm the waters.  I really do want to help and enjoy knowing I have given someone information that will make their life better.  But I also have this need to be liked and so I sometimes think if I help this person they will like me more.  That I am not enough.  That I have to give added value to win their friendship.

After reading the information I noticed that I was acting this way most of the time.  Someone has Bali belly?  Oh, I have crackers that will help that.  Do you have Cipro?  I have some if you need it.  Want a glass of wine?  I’ve got some in my room.  Need a kidney?  What are you doing tomorrow at noon?

I am the one that actually mails a thank you note after someone has invited  me to their home for dinner.  I mean with a stamp and everything.  Emails seem too impersonal to me.  Someone goes out of their way to do something special for me and I send them flowers.  Not just any flowers.  Flowers from the florist that doesn’t use mums or daisies or baby’s breath.  There is no teddy bear in the flowers I send.  Because again I want them to know I took the extra step to not just google FTD and send them a floral arrangement that looks like it was from a grocery store.  “It’s the thought that counts” doesn’t ring true to me because I want to send them something I would love to have.

So where does all this lead me?  I am trying to focus on the two at their best.  To be sincere and warm  but also maintain this approach to life because I am taking care of my own needs. I don’t want to feel like I am missing out if someone doesn’t behave the way I would like them to behave.  I want to be able to step back and know I don’t always have to be the care taker and that I’ll be all right.

Two plus two equals four and that’s the number I am suppose to gravitate to when I want to be transparent with myself.  I want to find humor and honesty in whatever I am feeling.  Yep, I want to lighten up.  Because I don’t want to laugh because I’m trying to cover the hurt.  I just want to laugh.


Leave a Reply